confessions of a raging perfectionist

Do you ever feel like God is trying to tell you something? Like REALLY tell you, but you keep ignoring it hoping it goes away {but it's God so of course it never does}?

That's me lately. A few weeks ago in Bible Study we were learning about "False Selves." Do you know what that is?

You know, like...

Before I go any further, I have to kind of laugh because my mom's name is Peggy and she is one {and not so surprisingly, so am I}. And mom, I totally didn't make up the Peggy Perfectionist thing. I promise it was listed in my workbook!

Lets go back to the False Self part for a minute in case you still don't totally get what that is. Basically, it's an illusion of who you think you are. Or who you think you should be.

It's "a mask, a collage even, or how we desire to be seen and responded to in our lives. Simply put, the false self is a lie about our real personhood, an image we dedicate ourselves to grooming for public display... One problem with recognizing the illusion of the false self is that if feels real." {1}

I was still mulling over this when my folks came to visit a week or two later. I don't remember how it came up, but my mom showed me a book she's been reading and using as her Bible study.

{I quoted her recently in my post weary, worn, & remaining.}

{confessions of a raging perfectionist}

As soon as my sweet mom showed it to me, I knew I desperately needed it {yes, I judged it by it's cover}.

To be quite honest, I didn't know anything else about the book other than the title. I didn't know Amanda was married, or a mom, or an ADOPTIVE mom, either.

I didn't know that so much of it would hit straight at my heart, nor did I realize that every page would end up looking a little like this...

I don't even know where to start on all I've learned. All I've been convicted of.

One of the biggest though was wanting to be known.

I love this part...

Ohmygosh, seriously? YES! So me!

And so my next page looked like this.

Ok God, you're totally using this Amanda girl to speak to me. Keep it coming, it's starting to hurt seeing myself through Your eyes...but lets do this.

On and on, through the chapters of planning, pride, relationships, and happiness, God has continued to peel me like an onion. Reveling more and more of what's inside {eyes watering all the way}.

Through this raw, real, and honestly written book, the Lord is pouring in His love and His wisdom. He has actually helped me see some things He's been asking me to do for awhile. A looooong while, I just have chosen to ignore it.

Amongst other things, I'm learning that part of me being a perfectionist is the desire to control the chaos around me. With 6 kids, there is DEFINITELY a lot of that. But somehow I need to find a healthy balance between perfection for the sake of looking perfect...and being put together enough to keep away the chaos that will otherwise consume me. Does that make sense?

Lord, help me figure out how to balance it.

So what about you? Are you needing a wakeup call? Is the Lord asking YOU to look deep within to rid yourself of the "False You" that is lurking inside?

Super excited to see where He'll take me in all this.

In scripture we know the False Self by other names: sinful self, old self, natural man. The False Self is the result of our propensity toward making bad choices. {3}